Angry Osama Shocker

In a new terror tape broadcast on the Arabic-language al-Jazeera network today, al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden warned that free, illegal downloading of terror tapes is threatening the economic health of the terror-tape industry going forward.
"In the past, I have been able to hire the best writers, directors, and cave designers to make my terror tapes truly chilling," said a sterner-than-usual bin Laden on his latest tape. "But if illegal piracy of these scary tapes persists, the time will come when making new scary tapes will no longer be economically feasible."

According to associates of Mr. bin Laden, the al-Qaeda leader was particularly peeved that pirated copies of his latest tape, in which he offered a truce to several European nations, showed up for sale on street corners in Hong Kong and Los Angeles days before it was to be broadcast.
"These scumbags are ripping Osama off, and he doesn't see a nickel," one associate said. "After all the work he puts into crafting these tapes, it's depressing."

In addition, the associate said, Mr. bin Laden fears that illegally pirated clips of him may start appearing in the music videos of pop stars, further diluting their value: "The last thing Osama wants to do is make Hillary Duff richer."
And as bin Laden's pirated image becomes as overexposed as Scooby-Doo, there is growing evidence that he may be paying the ultimate price: losing his ability to terrify people.
Case in point: a new survey gauging public attitudes towards Osama shows that by a wide margin, Americans are now more afraid of Omarosa.

April 18, 2004 by Andy Borowitz
© 2004 all rights reserved by Andy Borowitz

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